Fun Stuff

Not-So-Funny Lawyer Jokes

A doctor and a lawyer in two cars collided on a country road. The lawyer, seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up, helped him from the car and offered him a drink from his hip flask.The doctor accepted and handed the flask back to the lawyer, who closed it and put it away. "Aren't you going to have a drink yourself?" asked the doctor. "Sure, after the police leave," replied the lawyer.


Why does the Oregon Bar prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients? To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.


A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?". "Sure do," replied the bartender. "Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator."


A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?" Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor.""That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?" Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman." "Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?" Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse." The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation. Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"


The Pope and a lawyer find themselves together before the Pearly Gates. After a small quantum of time which was spent discussing their respective professions, ol' St. Peter shows up to usher them to their new Heavenly station. After passing out wings, harps, halos and such, St. Peter decides to show them to their new lodgings. Only a brief flight from the welcome, St. Peter brings them down on the front lawn of a huge palatial estate with all sorts of lavish trappings. This, Pete announces, is where the lawyer will be spending eternity. "Hot Dang," the Pope said to himself, "if he's getting a place like this, I can hardly wait to see my place"!

They take flight once again, and as St. Peter leads on, the landscape below begins to appear more and more mundane until they finally land on a street lined with Brownstone houses. St. Peter indicates the third walkup on the left as the Popes new domicile and turns to leave, wishing the pontiff his best. The Pope, in a mild state of astonishment, cries out:

"Hey Pete! What's the deal here? You put that lawyer-feller in a beautiful estate home and I, spiritual leader of terra-firma, end up with this dive?!" St. Peter looks at the pontiff amusedly and replys: "look here old fellow, this street is practically encrusted with spiritual leaders from many times and religions. We're putting you here with them so you guys can get your dogma together. That other guy gets an estate, because he's the first "non-damned" lawyer to make it up here!"


A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetary back to the car, the little girl asked, "mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?" "Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?" And the little girl responded "Well mommy the tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"


A surgeon, an architect an a lawyer are having a heated barroom discussion concerning which of their professions is actually the oldest profession. The surgeon says: "Surgery is the oldest profession. God took a rib from Adam to create Eve and you can't go back further than that." The architect says: "Hold on! In fact, God was the first architect when he created the world out of chaos in 7 days, and you can't go back any further than THAT!" The lawyer puffs his cigar and says: "Gentlemen, Gentlemen...who do you think created the CHAOS?!"


An old man was on his death bed. He wanted badly to take all his money with him. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside. "Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me." At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed that he had only put $20,000 into the envelope because he needed $10,000 for a new baptistery. "Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor, "I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new machine at the hospital which cost $20,000." The lawyer was aghast. "I'm ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed. "I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."

Click on Chief Wiggum for some not-so-funny law enforcement jokes.